“Being a professional artist means being continually willing to jump off a cliff” – Kathleen Speranza
Kathleen Speranza is a superb painter of flowers. Look at this:
Kathleen is a professional artist who has spent plenty of time in the trenches. She’s earned those gorgeous flower paintings. She’s also very wise. She wrote the above quote in reply to one of my posts on facebook, and it’s really stayed with me.
It resonates so deeply with me because there’s one thing you have to be able to do to if you’re going to jump off that cliff:
You need to face your fear.
Come up against it in a very real way. Feel it almost overwhelm you.
And then jump anyway.
Living with fear
I’m learning to live with constant fear.
I’d rather not admit this. I’d rather be happily going along, doing wonderfully, dashing off paintings and putting out tutorial videos in a wonderful burst of happy creativity. If I’m really honest with myself, I’d prefer it if everyone else thought that was what I was doing, too.
But I’ve committed to being honest with you here, so I’m not going to pretend.
Turning full time as an artist and teacher has had a surprising consequence: I spend quite a lot of my time in a state of fear.
Sometimes it hits me when I wake up in the morning, or in the middle of the night after a nightmare.
Sometimes it just sits in the back of my mind all day, tugging at my sleeve and trying to distract me.
Fear comes from uncertainty
Why? Well, when I pause to think about it for a moment, I realise that I live with a lot more uncertainty in my life than I used to. And uncertainty means fear.
This fear comes in different forms, it springs from different things. There are two main ones that I feel most keenly.
Financial uncertainty
At the moment, we’re just about covering our bills and food at family Foxton. Things are tight. I don’t know from one month to the next whether I’ll be able to cover the mortgage.
When the bank balance gets down to a couple of hundred quid and I don’t know where the next bit of money is coming from, I start to question everything.
And that’s when the negative emotions start to kick in.
My kids depend on me. What am I doing, subjecting them to this level of risk?
That’s when I remember how my Dad told me only a few weeks ago that I was doing the wrong thing. (And by the way, I don’t care how old you are, your Dad’s opinion still counts on a deep psychological level).
This particular fear follows me around like an unwelcome stray dog. I have a strong suspicion that all but the most financially successful artists deal with this too, especially if their family depends wholly on them and there’s no other income. Although you rarely hear about it. I wonder why?
Putting yourself out there
If you’re an artist, you regularly put out work that comes from the deepest reaches of your self – all the stuff that makes you who you are.
You put out the very core of yourself for people to see. Your self esteem, your confidence, your very being is inextricably tied up with your artistic output. And if you’re a professional, you just can’t keep that to yourself.
I auction small pieces here on the site now, and they provide some much needed income through the month. If you’re thinking about turning professional but aren’t sure where to start, setting up a site and auctioning little paintings on it might be worth a try. (I’m planning a blog post soon about how to do that, so watch this space.)
But it does mean that I’m regularly putting out my work for a lot of people to see – thousands of people, actually. That’s pretty scary.
Here’s another thing you might not know. I think of what I write here on the blog as part of my work as an artist. And even now, after almost ten years of posting here, I still get nervous when I go to hit the “publish” button.
Why? Because I try to be as candid as I can here, often beyond what’s comfortable for me. I try to hold as little back as possible, because I think that’s how I can be most helpful to other people who are struggling with the same things I am.
It’s just like painting in a way, it means putting the deepest parts of myself out in front of a lot of people, and doing it again and again. That “publish” button is a little cliff all of its own.
Managing fear
How do you handle living with uncertainty and fear? I don’t have any definitive answers to this one. I’m working it out as I go. But I do have some ideas and a couple of things that help me keep it manageable.
Financial uncertainty
The most useful thing I do at the moment is that I do my accounts every morning.
It means that I know exactly what the financial situation is, every day. It helps to reduce the uncertainty, and so the fear is that much less.
And I’m becoming obsessive about my accounts. Every month, I know exactly how much we spent on food. I now know exactly how much all the bills are and when they’re taken out every month.
It might seem a small thing, and it only takes a few minutes. But without it, the fear of not having enough money to live on would probably overwhelm me.
Putting yourself out there without falling apart
If you have any good ideas about this one, please let me know. Seriously. Leave a comment.
Because the only strategy I have for dealing with this one is to feel the fear but to do it anyway.
It does get easier with time and repetition. But in my experience, it never completely goes away.
One strategy I’m trying is to let go of my work. I have to do that when I send it to the wonderful people that buy it, of course, But I’m trying to mentally let go of the paintings when they’re finished, at least a little.
It’s not easy. It means persuading myself not to care whether anyone thinks they’re good or not. In fact, I find that’s impossible to achieve. But I think at least a dash of that helps, if you can manage it.
Jessie Burton, the author of the The Miniaturist and The Muse, wrote a deeply felt blog post about dealing with anxiety and letting go of your work in February last year. It’s long, but really worth a read. It helped me just to know that a hugely successful author deals with these same issues.
Also, I find that being with the process of painting as much as possible, trying to concentrate just on the doing, starting another painting almost as soon as the last one is done, is helping me somewhat.
Daniel Graves of the Florence Academy of Art had some very helpful and insightful things to say about that in his interview on the Suggested Donation Podcast.
Face the fear
Having the bad thing happen helps to break the fear a little.
One of the paintings I put up for auction didn’t sell – it got no bids. Since that’s happened once, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought, I’m a little less afraid of it happening again. I’m still here and still painting, and still putting my work up for sale, despite it. That one didn’t go so well, but the next one did.
One thing I have learned is that your worst fears rarely come true. The result, when it happens, is never quite as bad as you imagine. When you put out you work for everyone to see, people are usually kind.
When it really comes down to it, I think the only thing to do is to face that fear.
Here’s the funny thing, though: Despite it all, I sleep better now than I have in years. I used to suffer from terrible insomnia when I was in my horrible day job. Now I usually sleep through the night.
Perhaps it’s because I’m finally committing to what I’ve always known in my heart that I wanted to be.
If you’ve chosen this year to commit to your dream, I wish you the very best. Be strong. Be brave. Feel the fear.
Then jump anyway.
Best wishes and thanks for reading,
Paul
Footnotes
If you want to hear more of Kathleen’s wisdom, listen to her interview on the Savvy Painter Podcast. Here’s one of her gems about dealing with the bad days:
“These bad days are important. The difference between an amateur and a professional is the number of bad days you can endure”
Also, this might help you. It certainly did me (and still does). I often find inspiration and practical approaches to life’s difficulties in Leo Babauta’s writing at Zen Habits:
The Keys to Colour - Free 6 step email course
Learn how to:
- mix any colour accurately
- see the value of colours
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Thanks so much for these motivational posts Paul. I’ve been visiting this site for a few years now without commenting. It’s funny how you say that you live in a sort of constant state of fear because you somehow manage to post really positive and uplifting stories. As someone working an office job with dreams of one day doing art full time, your messages really speak to me and its very insightful to get a raw look at how you are making it work.
Thanks again!
Thank you for sharing your fears with us. To me it seems that by confronting and sharing our fears with others rather than looking away diminishes already some of their power and break that sometimes debilitating spell over us.
Paul,
I highly recommend the book Your Money or Your Life. I am also a struggling introverted artist and the last thing I need is money woes. This book helped me to prioritize and focus my money and my life properly. It is not a typical self help get rich quick book. It is an introduction to a different way of life. Since I’ve adopted some of the program into my life my stress levels for money have come way down (leaving more for stressing about my non-existent art career! ha ha).
Another thing that helps me is meditation. It helps to calm my mind, calm my stress reactions and it helps me to focus my mind on where my art needs to go.
I hope this will help. I know it’s hard.
I also want to say: Not only are you doing the right thing. You are doing the only thing you really can do as an artist.
Most men live in a state of constant suppressed anxiety and die never having sung their song.
Maybe you are starting to sing!( lucky you, well done).
Colin
For what it’s worth Paul I think you’re doing the right thing. Your dad should know better but I suppose he’s from a different generation with a different set of values. As long as you keep your eye on the finances and stay afloat then the value you seem to be getting from following your dream is priceless. No amount of sitting at a desk can replace that. Believe in yourself. You’re very good, and I don’t say that very often. Your tutorials are a life saver for many of us on the same journey as you. The only advice I would offer you is to look at ways of raising your profile to leverage the good work you’re already doing. Winning competitions never hurts. Good luck.
Hi Paul,
Well done with this it’s a really interesting piece and something that will be relevant to lots of artists. Having jumped off the cliff myself I am only too familiar with the demons that one is exposed to – be they financial, confidence and/or poor work. Throw into the mix the additional unexpected financial pressure brought about by a life threatening illness (and you know how that is) and you might inevitably ask yourself “shouldn’t I be doing something else?” . . . well no you shouldn’t you have already jumped.
The best advice I was given was “never be too precious about the work you have done and to remember that your best work is to come”. It helps deal with the three main demons of money worries, confidence and “stinkers”.
Have faith in yourself.
I wish you every success.
Spot on about the fear, and, yes, I too have the experience of a father who felt art was not the way to make a living. Now retired from a “real job” and divorced, I do not have a family any more to worry about supporting, but I still feel the lack of total confidence in “pushing down on the accelerator”with respect to career ambitions in art. As a result, my art sales are a trickle. Thanks for sharing these thoughts and for generously sharing your expertise in drawing and painting.
Great, honest post, Paul! “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” is one of my most treasured mantras, tacked right up onto my studio wall. Teaching is one of my biggest nerve-inducing scenarios – that inner critic pipes in with: “Who are you to think you have anything to tell these people!?” But I just do it, and it turns out great. I think a little fear is healthy – it spurs me on to better performance. If I’m not a little nervous going into a workshop, it worries me now!
A wonderful topic for any serious artist (or wannabe). I am discovering how much courage it takes to take an artistic idea and move forward with it. Every time. My mantra is generally, “Don’t think. Do.” Also, “You can do this, Jan!” By the way, audio books and encouraging podcasts help me shut up the critical voice in my head. Very necessary for my artistic endeavors, especially indoors in my at-home studio where distractions abound. Thank you!
Paul, first allow me to say thank you for always being so generous and honest with your art, teachings, and your journey. I have watched several if not all of your video tutorials, and many of your blog posts and every one has helped in some way or another. I can’t even begin to say how much your words in this post resonate with me at this point in my life. I am a 34 year old high school art teacher and artist with a wife and nine year old son. On Thursday December 1st 2016 while school was in session, I went into cardiac arrest due to a blood clot and my heart stopped. I was resuscitated for a few moments before my heart stopped again and I was resuscitated one last time and rushed to the hospital where I had emergency surgery. I have spent the last month rehabilitating and am now doing much better. And let me add I am happy to see you are in much better health now! A few months before this happened I started to think very seriously about what my next step was. I enjoy teaching at the high school level but I started feeling like maybe new path was in order. I was unsure of what this may be. Should I get an MFA and go further in debt? Maybe take a crack at being a full time artist and see where that leads me? Teach independently? All of these definitely meant taking a huge leap of faith and each would come at their own cost. I would love to be an independent artist and teach independently on the side. If I am being honest there were days of depression, rumination, and fear over what I should do, which in some ways caused me to be stagnant which was the opposite of what I was looking for. I just knew that my heart needed an alternative path. Then on Dec 1st I died, twice in fact. Now, a little more than a month later and with a new year upon us I am trying to enjoy the little things more. I am not going to lie I am still just as confused and concerned about what path to take and fearful about how to make it come to fruition. But reading this article gives me hope and I just wanted to offer you the most sincere thank you because with that hope comes possibility. Take care Paul.
Bryce
Hi Paul! Reading this was like seeing my thoughts on paper. When We do a painting, we are putting a small piece of us in that painting! So hard, then to let go of it, and be exposed! Remember the little booklet I sent You? The idea was, that when You Doubt The Amazing Ability Paul Foxton has to put paint on canvas, You would thumb through the book and be reminded, You did this! YOU are where Paul Foxton is supposed to be! Do something else, if YOU feel the Need! But, Paul Foxton is One of the Finest Painters and Teachers I have ever Seen! Accept Who You Are and Live With It! My Friend!
I’ve lived much of my early life with the financial fear thing, and tho I have been hungry and homeless, (but not out on the street homeless) I’ve learned over time to be grateful for what I have and that somehow, day after day and year after year, even in years that I barely sold a thing, I got by somehow. An artist’s soul doesn’t have an option but to spend time making art. So I stopped the worry. Fear is a misuse of the imagination. Then about the ego-fear of acceptance, I got cured of that when I was in high school. I had some paintings in a show at the school. I wasn’t there the whole time and towards the end of the show, when I came back into the room I got the great news that a painting had sold!! Joy!! My first sale!!! …..to my Mother! Oh God the SHAME of it! That was my cure. I make art coz I have to, whatever happens after that is not in my control and has nearly nothing to do with me. OK I’m not good at marketing…but really it’s not yours anymore once you have signed it and put the brush down.
probably one of your best posts yet.
This is the REAL stuff…
How are you promoting the painting auctions? I’m taking an extended break from social media (but still following blogs) so it might be my own fault for not knowing when paintings are available. I don’t recall receiving an email notice. We can’t bid if they don’t know there’s an auction! Even now, a quick look around this site and I can’t find a gallery of available work. (Abbey Ryan is probably the best example I’ve seen of a painter getting the message out through all her outlets – you might like to have a look at how she does it.) PS. I think you’re fighting the good fight – no one get’s out of this life alive or gets another go for behaving nicely. Maybe your dad didn’t get his wake up call yet. Sadly that’s his problem. Your only problem is to figure out how to promote your work a bit better.
Hi Paul, a local artist/teacher has started offering daily/weekend workshops, and has just opened a bed and breakfast so that he can offer painting holidays as well. Another rents a room in his house out to help with the bills. It’s a tough gig, being a full-time painter. Your site is wonderful, and will grow! Keep the faith!
Hi……….I know EXACTLY where you are coming from! I think you are correct when you say all but the most successful artists feel the financial stress, it doesn’t actually go away but it needs to be managed, but you do seem to have it under control! Have you considered looking for a representative for your work?
I have been very fortunate in finding a really good representative Gallery in Namibia for my work, most of what I paint is Namibian wildlife so I have a captive audience there. My ‘agent’ (for want of a better word) is very good at what she does, is scrupulously honest and sells on a regular basis.
The point I’m trying to make is finding a person/gallery whom you trust and has your best interests at heart is a huge relief when you know you can rely on them to do their very best for you. This in turn ‘frees’ you up to an extent to concentrate on producing the work without worrying so much about affairs financial!
As far as ‘letting go’ of the paintings, personally I don’t have a problem with it, I don’t really want to keep any of my own work……after a week or two I start seeing things wrong in them (or at least things I could/should have done differently!) and as Nicholas Elliott says above……..the next one is going to be better!
Would I be correct in guessing that most of your ‘followers’ are other artists?
If so…..I would have thought that these are not the guys who are going to be buying your paintings so it makes sense to create another audience away from the ‘learning’ crowd. Another good reason to find a good representative for your work!
Perhaps another consideration could be producing prints?
I hope you don’t mind me making these comments……..it’s just ideas to throw around and who knows……..maybe one of them might just work for you!
I wish you the very best, keep up with your great work……….and don’t stress!
Thanks for sharing your works and your thoughts!
Dear Paul, YES I DO RECOGNIZE ALL THESE FEARS! Jumped into this “cliff” 18 years ago I know the struggle you’re describes here so well , I could write a big epistle about the ups and downs but you did it so well and I searched through the web for answers but I can assure you, you are the ONLY ! one I found who is so fairly generous in sharing his knowledge FOR FREE which I really appreciate so much (my lack of knowledge of the English language is letting me down here to express how much !)
I too do a daily follow up of the financial situation as it “pays” , no surprises will occur . And yes Paul I am looking forward already to your blog post about setting up a side and auctioning little paintings as that was one of my goals for the New year starting to make smaller paintings (I used to make large ones) .Keep on being who you are as you are very supporting to us and a worthwhile and gentle Artist ! I wish you all the best !
Paul, I’m currently taking your Mastering Colour course. Your quality text and video lessons along with your private facebook page for all students is fabulous. I bet if you turned your idea to share your knowledge about setting up/managing/socializing/shipping the art into a course, many, many artists of all kinds, not just painters would sign up/pay for it. I could imagine it to be successful for me as it could take me through steps, steps I could apply one at a time, versus the FEAR, the overwhelming feeling this is so much just to do at all at one time. Just as your Mastering Colour course creates the confidence of accomplishments in small steps at time. Oh, the platform it is on is also easy to use.
What does others think?
Wow Nancy, I’m really pleased to hear that you’re getting on so well with the course!
And actually, that’s a really good idea. I think it could potentially help a lot of people. I’m planning a post for later this week on how I set up my painting auctions here. so if that get enough interest, I’ll see if enough other people might be interested enough for me to build a course on that.
You’ve got me planning everything that could go into it now!
I completely agree with you, Nancy! The systematic approach with well measured steps and the personal feedback makes the colour course a joy to follow. Its excercises are sometimes trickier than I thought at first glance, but not in a discouraging way, so there is a good balance in the challenge. I am still far from having my artwork for sale, but think indeed that if Paul has just such a course, I would enroll for it!
Bert, thats’ so good to hear, I can’t tell you. Thanks you s much – that experience is exactly what I aim for with the colour course – to challenge (because as you rightly say, without that there’s no growth) but to support at the same time.
I just want to say that I’ve really been enjoying your articles. I have taken few risks in my life, but recently I went back to school to change careers. When I reach my goal, it will be worth it.
Thanks Carolyn, it will absolutely be worth it. We only get this one shot, after all. Much better to try and give it your all than be left forever wondering what might have happened if you’d tried.
Well done you. You’ve already dared more than most.
Fantastic post Paul. Thank you for being so honest in you’re writing. This resonated with me as I’m sure it did with many others. Please keep ploughing away at your craft. 🙂
Thanks Nick. I’m really glad it struck a chord. I imagine all these artists out there, all struggling to make ends meet month to month, struggling with doubts over their work, and no one really talking about it. Bit of an exaggeration, I’m sure, but this post does seem to have struck a chord with quite a few people! I take it you paint?
Hi Paul,
Great post – I am really inspired by your courage and wish you all the very best.
Love your site and your generosity to aspiring artists like me!
Thanks Fiona. That’s so good to hear, it’s my main aim with this site. I really appreciate you taking the time to post and let me know.
Living up to the expectations of the father (especially if he is italian and you are his first born) is a topic that is rarely is discussed in any class or motivational seminar.
Thanks for your post, Paul. I relate very much to your comments and admire your openness in sharing them. Best wishes with your journey.
You’re very welcome, Adrian, and thanks for the kind words.
Know – that you
have given, so very
much to me.
…all that I can offer
you, is this:
Cloud-Hidden, Whereabouts Unknown
(a mountain journal)
Alan W. Watts
Mick
Thank you Mick, that looks very interesting and is now on my amazon wish list!
Hello Paul. Thank you for your post. I think nearly all of us have doubts and fears that haunt us… On a practical note I have an artist friend who runs regular monthly workshops on a Saturday between 10:00am and 3:00pm in local village halls in her home county of Northamptonshire. She averages 20 – 24 students per session and charges £15.00 per student for the day. The hire cost of the halls is minimal @ £40 to £50 and she provides tea, coffee, milk and biscuits, but students bring their own packed lunch. She has four groups in four different venues so teaches one day a week on a Saturday. Each month there is a different focus, theme or technique. The income she derives is enough to pay her basic bills so she can concentrate on her art during the week. Best Wishes.
Thank you Anne. That’s a very good idea actually, and I am hoping to start doing some face to face teaching very soon. Everything is a little up in the air since we’re about to move house, but the area we’re planning to move to is filled with artists 🙂
Paul,
I own one of your paintings (two little lemons) and it really is one of my prized posessions because it’s a reminder to just do it. Every day. Paint or draw. And with that daily practice I’ll grow, learn and improve.
Your candor and honesty in your blog affects me. I so respect the path you’ve chosen and the immense courage it takes to share it with us. Thank you.
By the way, a very useful bit of advice I was once given may be worth sharing. In those moments when you’re really scared ask, “what’s the worst that can happen?” and play out the scenario. What’s the absolute worst that can happen. Tell the story, the details, put the worst case scenario out on the table. Face it. Stare it down. Prepare yourself mentally for it. It’s amazing, but I find that actually facing the fear, describing it, allows one to do what one can to prepare for it and then set it aside.
It takes an enormous and continued amount of energy to suppress a fear. And although it takes courage to face that fear, after that first step it’s all so much easier.
And with that little bit of morning philosphy I’m off to the studio (to work on a commission that I’ve been avoiding since I’m afraid the buyers won’t like it).
Erica
Thanks so much Erica, for sharing your thoughts and for your kind words, too.
I think that’s really good, practical advice about playing through the worst that can happen. frightening thought! But I’ll give it a try the next time the fear really hits me. Thank you.
Paul,
I really appreciate the honesty you showed in this post! I admire you for doing what it is that you are here for! I experience similar emotions although I am a management consultant, but I have been on my own for almost 19 years – every dollar is sold to a client, and the process never stops. Just keep going and trying other ideas, Regards, Jacques
Hi,
You already got great advice and encouragement from many nice people in the comments, but if you are interested I can suggest two books that helped me a lot:
— Ryan HOLIDAY: The Obstacle is the Way
— Jonathan HAIDT: The Happiness Hypothesis
I had problems with being too overwhelmed by my negative self-talk, and these books changed my perspective completely.
I wish you all the best!
I wish I had read this sooner, but like everyone says you are not alone.
I’d add a little extra onto Erica’s advice; once you’ve figured out all the things that can go wrong, do some risk management. Think about how you can eliminate or minimise the consequences, and work out what to do for that and recovery. And put a couple of quid somewhere safe – that way you’ll always have money!
You might also like to consider that every blog post and every picture are a reflection of where you are at the time you create them. As soon as you are done (if not before), you are already a new and different person with different thoughts and opinions.
Finally someone that isn’t preaching the overcoming of fear. Thank you for this article!
Fake it til’ you make it?? Horse puckey! Fear is a part of life. Face it, live with it, and keep on trucking!