Just recently, someone emailed me and said they saw me as an example of success.
I’m glad, I’d love to inspire people to try to do what they love. But I was also surprised, because I don’t think of myself as having succeeded.
So I emailed this person back and I told them how hard I find it. How every day is a struggle against my own feelings of inadequacy.
And this morning, I realised that I needed to share that with you too. Because this is bloody hard. If you’re going to try for it, I think you need to know that.
Decision
There were two moments in my life that convinced me that I had to stop doing my horrible day jobs and get back to being a full time painter.
The first was in Venice. A Tiepolo ceiling fresco. I was on holiday with Michelle, my wife-to-be, taking some much-needed time off from my 9 to 5 (more like 8 to 7) job in online marketing in London.
I’ve had several intense moments in front of paintings, this was by far the strongest. It wasn’t the painting itself, though, it was what I brought to it.
When I was a street artist, copying old master paintings in chalk on the pavements of UK towns for people’s small change, I’d copied that ceiling painting many times. I knew it so well I could do parts of it from memory.
Seeing it in person was like waking up after a dream. A particularly bad one. Suddenly I remembered what it was I loved to do, what it was that I felt defined me. I was amazed that I was getting up and doing something that I hated. Every. Single. Day. Amazed that I’d somehow moved so far away from what I really wanted to do.
I sat down on the floor and I cried.
The second was sitting at my desk at my office job, looking at paintings on the Internet and coming across a site that showcased portrait painters.
Here were people making a living from painting – or so it seemed. Surely, I could do that. That was the moment when I made a firm decision to get back to being a painter.
But I wasn’t prepared for what was coming. For illness that almost killed me, for so much financial uncertainty, for borrowing so heavily from my family to get through, for looking at the happy, oblivious faces of my kids and feeling so terribly guilty. For the sheer stress.
I had a dream that I could get back to being a full time artist. That was pretty much as far as it went. I didn’t have any details of how it would happen, just a conviction that I could.
Realisation
I also knew that my skills were well below the level they needed to be. I’d always known that, I think. I just wasn’t that good.
So I started to learn, to teach myself what I could and try to get good enough to make a living.
Reality
This is how it is for me. I can only give you my version of the truth, and hope that it will help you, perhaps at least prepare you a little.
I want you to know, if you’re going to try for this, that you have to be strong.
You have to be willing to put yourself out there, day after day, to be judged and – at least in your own mind – found wanting. Found wanting, sometimes, even by your peers.
You have to put up with days filled with excruciating uncertainty and doubt.
You have to own the guilt of knowing that if you took the easier route, it would be much, much easier on those around you, especially on those you love.
You have to keep moving forward when you can’t see your hand in front of your face.
You have to work yourself until you feel you could cry with tiredness, realise you’ve failed, and start again.
You have to ride the ups and fight through the downs and somehow keep yourself from losing your perspective.
You have to try to see through appearances to what really matters, even when other people can’t see it and they tell you that you’re wrong, and you have to do that on the days when the self-doubt is strongest.
You have to jump willingly into uncertainty, day after day after day.
And you have to be able to deal with most of this by yourself.
You have to be so, so strong.
If you see me selling my little paintings on my website, and teaching my courses, and it looks like success, I want you to know how it really is for me, and how it will quite possibly be for you, if my experience is anything to go by.
I also want you to know that it’s worth it. Yes, there’s a cost. What you get back is a life that means something.
Best wishes and thanks for reading,
Paul
The Keys to Colour - Free 6 step email course
Learn how to:
- mix any colour accurately
- see the value of colours
- lighten or darken a colour without messing it up
- paint with subtle, natural colour
Thanks, Paul. Your painting is wonderful. I admire your choice to paint full-time. I look to you as a great success story….recognizing what you want and putting in the time and hard work to develop your skills. Best wishes and thank you for sharing you work and your story. If you have a minute, check out my website. I am working to bring my painting skills and vision to a higher level….www.ashleyaddison.com
Thanks Ashley. I just subscribed to your site. After I get the first email, I’ll get back to you with some ideas for things you can do that might help you make some progress.
Paul, I’m sitting here reading your latest post both with tears in my eyes and a smile on my lips. To see our and your struggles acknowledged and expressed so clearly, I don’t know, the only thing that keeps coming into my mind is that it made me feel whole. I suppose it’s the power of feeling understood, and not alone. Thank you for all that you share here, and I wish you many healthy, happy painting times.
Thanks Caroline. That’s what I was hoping for. That anyone going through this too would feel less alone. And, perhaps, me too.
Your experience moves me…your depth, honesty, and vulnerability. Be present with those smiling kids of yours. Guilt is just a thought.
Thanks Melissa, I will – and it’s great to hear from you 🙂
My own daily struggles being a self employed artist echo what you’ve written here. I just wanted to thank you for writing this, for being Brave in the sharing and for reminding me of why I do it at all. I’d gotten so stuck in the selling that I’d forgotten the joy of creating. My artist heart to yours, you are not alone.
Thank you Liz! That’s really touching.
And your work is amazing!
Hi Paul,
Very moving and has as a familiar ring to it. I drowned my painting dreams to make a living in the corporate world, raise a family, and succeeded quite well until I left to run my own business. Foolishly, I fantasized I’d have more time to, just maybe, do some painting, a skill I never mastered. Rather than a 9 to 5 routine, it became a chase to get clients, grow income, and compete, compete; exhausting. So I retired well beyond the usual time and was able to start learning how to paint. Regrets accompany each finished painting or show with a wish of why could I not have started earlier. Life is tough especially without a mentor or a painter guide. So thanks for this. It resonates with me. Take care. Steve
Yes, running a business is incredibly time consuming – in fact, that’s what independent artists do, too! But there is no age limit to learning, no matter what some out of date people will tell you. I have those feelings of wasted time, too. We do the best we can with what we have.
Could you live life any other way, really? From your videos and blog posts, somehow, somewhere you have found a peace. It comes through all your work. It is the calm at the center of the storm. Do you think that if you had kept on the old path, you probably would have found the same questioning and struggling because it is your own personal search for knowledge, beauty and perfection? You are a shining example of how thoughtful, concentrated, self-directed work leads to advancement and progress. I am so grateful for what you have put out there of yourself–that naked, unpolished truth about life and its struggles. Without knowing it, you are sending out waves of beauty, honesty and knowledge to anyone searching. Thank you, Paul, for being so transparent and open. Sending you love and encouragement.
Thank you! And you’re right, I couldn’t live any other way. At least, I’m pretty sure that trying to do so for so long was a major contributor to my illness.
Soul destroying jobs should come with a health warning, really.
Thank you so much Paul. For your honesty of your self perceptions and the wisdom that has evolved from your struggle. You are an inspiration and mostly because you are the real deal, honest, and hard working…and accomplished as well. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to hear that hard work and diligence do bear fruit…because the opposite message is out there (which is either you have talent or you don’t) and it shouts very loudly. Especially when day after day I make wobbly lines and produce elementary art. You remind me that this effort is the only way to build ability and accomplishment. Thank you for setting an example that is a breath of fresh air in a world that thrives on instant gratification. Also, thank you for the reminder that it is “never too late to be what you might have been.” (George Eliot).
Oh lovely quote, I’ll remember that one.
Stick with it Gina. The progress moves so slowly sometimes that you don’t know it’s happening, so the only thing you can do is to lose yourself in the process of learning. Every now and again, when you come up for air, you’ll realise how far you’ve come. I recommend looking back on much older work you’ve done every now and again 🙂
Thanks for the authenticity in this and your other postings, Paul. I recognise the self-doubt and struggling that you describe. However, all of your paintings that I’ve seen online have a certain serenity to them and a delight in the everyday that offers inspiration to me at least, and from reading comments here to many others as well. So might we reflect some of that peace and appreciation back to you through your own work.
Best regards,
Paul W
Thank you Paul! That means a lot to me. And yes, that is something I try to bring out in my work – I think perhaps because I feel I don’t have enough of it in my life!
I did a bungee jump once. Sorry, a correction there – I did a bungee ‘push and fall’ once. In that even though I really wanted the experience I was just stood there with knees knocking unable to fling myself off the platform and the instructor gave me helpful and sturdy ‘nudge’.
I’d imagine the same feeling if I were on the precipice of giving up a regular corporate job to become a struggling artist, whilst I’d be really wanting the experience of ‘living the dream’ I know I would be lacking the courage to jump.
I remember we got made redundant about the same time Paul, for me it was a no-brainer to stick with the rat race for the time being rather than a lack of courage. I really would be crazy to pack it in without the requisite skillset to earn anything in any other way. One day though when I’m made redundant yet again then I’m really hoping that I’ll have gained the skills, paid off the bills and have less dependencies – at which point I really do think my legs will be able to make that jump off the corporate rat-race platform.
…”How every day is a struggle against my own feelings of inadequacy.”… I hope you know that with these insights you are helping to influence other people’s life decisions and thus their lives…. Influencing other people’s lives – that doesn’t sound very inadequate to me :o)
Kudos to you Sir for your courage and here’s to your continuing courage.
Thank you Steve. I do remember. For years after I made the decision, I still had to keep up the corporate day job. All I can really say is that if you want it badly enough, a time will come when it will be closer to right for you than it is now – because I don’t think the right time ever really does come.
If I hadn’t had that push that the redundancy gave me, I think I’d still be standing there, knees knocking, holding on to the rope 🙂
Beautiful post, Paul. So honest and heartfelt.
You probably don’t want my suggestions, but here goes: Your online lessons and information are really incredible, but have you thought about running actual in person painting classes either from your home or through a gallery or arts centre? You have the skills for art and teaching. I think you’d be really good at it from what I can tell from your blogs and online tutorials. It could help out a bit with the financial concerns. I know if there was someone with your skills and knowledge close to where I live I’d be signing up for lessons. I love the Academy I attend part-time but it’s 90 minutes from my small village so I can only go once a month or so. Just sayin’……
Regards, Jocelyn
I absolutely do want your suggestions, Jocelyn!
And yes, I’d love to teach face to face. An opportunity may be coming for me to run a workshop in Denver in November. And we’re about to move the beautiful countryside of the Cotswolds and putting down roots, and I’m very much considering setting up something permanent there.
Exciting news! Best of luck!
Hi Paul, Beautiful post. I was just thinking about suggesting holding classes in your home, when I read the post above. I taught in my home for about 3 years before renting commercial studio space. I teach about 8 to 10 classes per week (ages 5 through adult) and have had up to 90+ students attending my weekly classes. Feel free to contact me if you ever consider it and have a few questions. My website is http://www.kimrothart.com. Best wishes! Kim
Thank you Paul for articulating so well what it really takes to be committed to this endeavor. I sometimes wonder if I have the character to pursue art (not as a past time or as a dilettante); there simply is no substitute for hard work. I realize that in my past life I was not that committed. I have developed bad habits and, yes, a bad attitude. Now at this stage in my life (I’m not young) I wonder if I have the physical stamina and the true passion to pursue painting. I have the greatest fear of not living up to my potential. I took heart from your post.
It’s never too late Karen. I’m living proof. I’ve only just made the jump and I’m 51. I do think it’s tougher when you’re older – not least because the stakes are higher if you have people depending on you, and you’re experienced enough to KNOW how high they really are.
Habits can be changed. Start small, make it regular. You will get there.
Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences with others like myself. I teach art at home two days per week and I draw and paint but I am not a marketer so I end up with numerous paintings and drawings. I had a couple of exhibitions but at the end of the exhibition, the work that was sold barely cover the expenses laid out for the exhibition.
I do have students that come to my classes expecting to be “fully trained artists” who could live on the income from their art after attending classes for a few months. I have to disabuse them, so it is good to realise that other professional artists are also struggling.
Wishing you well!
That sounds familiar! Yes, as an independent artist you’re also running a business. That means learning the skills you need to do that is a necessity too.
I’ve seen online programs that promise to teach artists how to do that stuff but I haven’t seen one that impressed me yet. I think for that kind of training, your best off going to people who specialise in it. The skills are the same whether you’re selling art, your teaching or anything else.
You might want to check out fizzle.co. They give online training in marketing and running a small online business for people who want to do something meaningful with their lives. I’ve been a member there for over three years and have learned a huge amount there.
Goodness me, what an articulate lot you all are! So many heartfelt comments and words of encouragement for all self employed, (or wanting to be) artists.
I have seen my daughter having to uproot herself and move to where the work is, just to keep her head above water but I have also seen how satisfied she is. “I can’t believe I get paid to have this much fun” is something she once said to me. Me, I do regret taking the nursing route rather than art and spend my days in work thinking of what I will paint or draw when I get home. Do get satisfaction from the day job though and all spare time spent painting. Love your work Paul. Keep it up. So encouraging for others.
Thanks Lynne.
I must say, as someone who dependent completely on nurses for some time, I have the greatest of respect and admiration for what you do. Thank you for doing something that REALLY matters, despite being so undervalued.
Dear Paul,
Three things you ought to know. Firstly, your work is good enough, I don’t know if you still have those doubts, but if so put them to one side. Of course you will often see work which you think crushes your own, all artists feel that sometimes. Even Raphael painting the Pope’s appartments snuck into the Sistine chapel and saw Michaelangelo was doing something beyond compare, painted him into the “School of Athens” as a tribute but never doubted his own genius as a result.
Secondly, those that love you don’t want you to take the “easiest” path for their convenience; they want you to do that which must be done to fulfill your personality. that’s what it means to love someone. They will have told you this, you only have to believe them.
Thirdly there is a huge well of support, sympathy and gratitude out there for you and your work. Hundreds, perhaps thousands of people out here in the real world are on your side and are willing you to succeed in your own terms. So at the very least, no need to feel lonely.
On a practical level, and echoing what Jocelyn says above, have you thought about “real” (ie not on-line) courses, evening classes, a summer school perhaps, maybe even a little academy, you know there is precious little provision of that sort in England and demand far out srrips supply. I’m sure you get soon get a little group together to help get that off the ground, and frankly looking at some of these American ateliers charging 10 grand a year to draw a cast all day its money for old rope!
Anyway keep going my friend, see you at the Burne-Jones later this year!
Thanks David, I appreciate it. And yes, I am very much thinking about face to face teaching – I’d love to do it! We’re hopefully about to move,m though, so it’s not practical right now. Maybe soon, I’ll be able to offer workshops in the Cotswold countryside!
And I will admit, a little academy is a cherished dream 🙂 I think the ateliers do a great job, though, of raising the standards of realist art overall. I would have studied at one if it had been practical for me. Unfortunately, for most if us, it just isn’t.
Paul,
Your story is so touching! I don’t know if you’ve heard of Mary Oliver’s poem Journey? I’m sharing it because it speaks to the difficulty (and beauty) of our life’s journeys when we decide to follow our hearts!
You are such an inspiration! Your inspiration keeps me going!
Blessings,
Betsy
Mary Oliver
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Thank you Betsy, that was beautiful! I’ll keep an ear out for that voice 🙂
Heres one in reply, similar, from William Stafford. I think you might like it too:
“The Way it Is”
There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.
I love that poem!
Hi Paul,
Every last word rings true. EVERY SINGLE ONE. There are so many difficult, painful experiences that unless you are strong, most people would walk away. I, too, know there is always so much to learn, there will always be somebody better, smarter, richer, etc., but we have one life and it should be to cultivate that which we think we are. So keep it going…to do that is a success. That there are all kinds of obstacles in the way and on the way and that should not deter you. I for one, think your work is amazing.
Thanks Madeline, and you’re right – simply to keep going is an achievement in itself. It’s easy to forget that, sometimes.
Thank you for sharing, this is my daily truth too. Everyday is a struggle and it is so difficult to express that to others and not feel like I am discouraging them which is not my intention. It is to be honest but most times I just keep my mouth shut esp. when I see that certain look of not getting what I mean. It is a daily struggle but it is also the very thing I know I am called and gifted to be with much work and tears. I believe this is part of what makes our Artmaking real. Thank you again
You’re very welcome Victoria, I”m glad to hear it resonated. And as you can see from the comments here, we’re obviously not alone!
Thank you for your honest summary of how you got to where you are. Like other correspondents I’ve done the 8 till late job to pay the bills, exhausting myself in the progress. I’ve always dabbled at painting and then after an oil workshop with Mike Skidmore realised I ‘COULD PAINT AFTER All’! I’m trying to chase that thought and am getting better but realise how far I have to go which is daunting. Your honesty makes me realise that other painters have had to strive too and that it’s never too late. I’ve booked two workshops in the autumn plus two online online in the hope I can catch up with my own expectations. Interestingly I’m not driven by the need to sell just the need to achieve more and for people to say ‘wow’ you nailed it. Hope that makes sense. Please keep posting. Thanks in anticipation. Allison
You’re welcome Allison. It is daunting, and will always be so. Keep going regardless, that’s all we can do. It is absolutely worth the effort in the long run!
It’s a brave thing you’ve done posting this, Paul. For that, our admiration for you goes up another gear.
Like so many other struggling artists, I hold a part time job for three days a week, and teach workshops and demos whenever I can. Every so often, I sell a painting or get a commission. But it’s never enough or frequent enough to be able to let go of the job.
I dream to run my own realism atelier in the south of the UK some day. I don’t know if it’ll ever happen as I never earn enough to save anything significant each month.
I also don’t have the confidence to approach any galleries with my work as I’m constantly changing my ideas so there is little consistency with my paintings. It’s like treading water, trying to keep yourself from drowning when everyone else seems to be swimming!
Tom, that little “insignificant” portion of your toil each month — mark it “Tom’s own realism atelier in the south of the UK” and save it — it is a seed, an act of faith in a good outcome. A seed always produces multiples. Remember, faith as a mustard seed will move mountains…. Be encouraged today that you will see your heart’s desire fulfilled.
Thank you, Barbara for your encouraging and kind words. I shall take them on board (or perhaps on a beech panel) hehe
Thanks Tom. And I hear you, it is tough! If you’re in the South, do you know that LARA has just relocated to Bristol? Is that anywhere near you? I’m hopefully going to be moving fairly close to that part of the UK soon and plan to go and see what’s happening there.
Small steps. Stick with it.
Read Patti Smith’s “Just Kids”..
Thanks, I will – just read some reviews and it looks good! (plus I like Patti Smith)
Thank you, Paul, for your brutal honesty. I have great respect for you as an artist and an apparent kind soul. You’ve expressed the very feelings I struggle with just when thinking of picking up a brush and approaching a blank canvas. Why make myself suffer so when other choices are easier? But, as you said, those choices are less fulfilling. Thank you for showing me we all have self doubt and have to make a choice how we respond to it. You are an inspiration ~ and in the midst of your moments of struggle please remember your example (and your willingness to share it) is creating a valuable influence on others like me.
God Bless You!
Thank you Dean!
I so understand. As a single mother for the last 30 years(my daughter came home with another baby for me to care for just as I was about to get back to art) and having struggled also with an autoimmune disease due I think, to a life of stress, I fully understand your dilemna. I have managed to save the money to spend six weeks in an Atelier to focus my brain. With the help of antianxiety med and help to sleep I finally seem to have got back on track. All my fears about my lack of ability, meltdowns, pressures and not being able to fully understand how to get from A to D are now resolved. Keep going Paul. You are a talented artist and an inspiration. I started following you years ago when the nearest I came to a drawing was your site. I hope your health is improving. God bless you. Deborah
Wow Deborah, you’re off to study at an atelier! Good for you. I don’t know what it took for you to get to that stage, but I’m sure it was a lot. Your determination will pay off, I’m sure.
And thank you 🙂
Hi Paul. If a Paul Foxton work shop is maybe on the agenda some time in the not too distant future I would love to travel to UK and paint. I live in Tasmania. Would you put me on your list? Best wishes. Andrea.
Done. I’ve started the list and you’re name is on it. In fact, it’s the only one at the moment 🙂
Actually I am hoping to run some workshops in the future, in the Cotswolds, a very beautiful part of the UK that we’re hopefully about to move to. Maybe not this year, but soon.
Hi Paul,
I’m not a painter though I am just starting out on trying to make a living from what I love instead of working a job that makes me feel very certainly not myself. Today I’m trying to plan out what I can do and how this might all work, financially, and it’s very hard to tell myself it’s acceptable but I just feel like I need to do it. I can’t not do it. The fear of judgment for being “irresponsible” and “selfish” is so strong. So reading your post today means a lot. I felt like I was being torn apart in the job I hated. At least now, if it gets really hard, I’ll know I’m doing it for a reason.
Thanks for being there and being truthful. That is not easy.
Those inner voices will always be with you, I think. They are for me. But truly, I think I’m a better Dad for doing what I really need to do rather than capitulating and living a more mundane life.
On the difficult days, when those voices are loudest, I ask myself what kind of example I want to set for my kids.
Thankyou Paul for wearing your heart on your sleeve, I to became ill working 9 to 5 and had never done any art previously but found that on picking up a piece of charcoal thatI didn’t want to put it down. I stayed studying 10yrs ago with some great and some bad tuition. It took me seven years into my tuition to quit office work and put myself out there as a full time artist. I feel now I have to justify this to everyone around me and that’s more of a struggle than any sales issue. Hearing you say what you have said lightens my heart a little, thanks for been there for all us struggling with our life decision.
Sandy McClellan
That’s wonderful to hear Sandy, and well done for getting that far! Believe me, I know what it took for you to do it. You have my admiration.
Thanks so much Paul for your honesty and transparency. If you ever come to the U.S., my husband, a physician, and I would love to meet with you. Maybe we could help.
Thank you Patricia that’s so generous! I may be, actually, in Denver in November, for an exhibition and possibly a workshop. Not sure how it’s going to work out or even if I can do it, but I intend to try.
Thank you Paul!
You’re very welcome Ayano, and great to hear from you again 🙂 I hope you’re well.
I’m so glad I stumbled across your blog, Paul. As someone who (foolishly though, hopefully, not naively) chose to give up work to focus on painting earlier this year, I really appreciate your honesty about the need to find the inner strength and determination to keep going, despite self doubts and mixed feelings regarding the implications of those choices upon loved ones etc.
Foolish but not naive, I love it Andy. That about sums it up. At least we know we’re crazy to try 🙂 And I guess that’s what makes us foolish enough to attempt it anyway!
Oh Paul, I needed this! Your words echo so much of my own internal chatter. Thank you for being brave enough to share the dark next to the light. <3
Hi Lindsay, fancy meeting you here 🙂
Thanks though, this was a difficult post to press the publish button on. I think those are often the most important ones to share though.